Mop-Up Nitro 12.18.00
By Hyatte
Mop-Up Nitro
So... what do you want? Two weeks of "Best of" Nitro Mop-Ups? Or do you want to stare at this week's recap for two weeks, then stare at two RAW recaps?
The choice is yours.
And ask yourselves, how can the Torch post the news about the Page-Steiner fight first when 1wrestling's Bob Ryder should have been there live on site?
Then ask yourselves... if society never recognized the female breast as a sexual magnet, would we still feel the overwhelming need to fondle, knead, and sometimes fornicate in between them?
Then ask yourselves... if we ever found out that the guy on the cross was actually a FRAUD and not the real Son of God, would Christmas cease to exist?
Finally, ask yourselves... why would CRZ smoosh his awards page font down to eye squinting levels?
NITRO (or: When do we see the real show backstage?) )
-WCW Logo... get drunk, get it tattooed on your shoulder, wow the ladies.
-Ric Flair appears facing the screen and challenges any radio DJ's to wrestle... (YOU SONOFABITCH!!!!! NOT FLAIR TOO!!! WHY, GODDAMMIT, WHY???)
-He also said that last night's Starrcade was both "the grandest" and "the most glorious" Starrcade of them all... (WHAT?? Maybe Bischoff was right about this guy all these years... he IS a dick).
-Flair booked Bagwell against Goldberg tonight.
-He told Scott Steiner that later tonight, he will reveal who his opponent will be for the next PPV... or, just maybe, whom his opponentS will be... "whoo, whoo whoo whoo"...
-still photos outline the notable happenings from the show. This takes all of 15 seconds (HAW!!! THEY STILL SUCK, DEEP DOWN)
-opening theme. Say goodbye to that shot of Torrie's boobs... say hello to some generous shots of Page sprinkled to and fro'... no Vampiro shots anymore, either... interesting, they kept Brian Clark's face in there but took out Bryan Wilson's...
-A few solid shots of Sid... which were only included in last week... SAY BUH BYE SID!!!!
-I still love this opening... I rewound it seven times.
-Tony Schiavone welcomed us to the show, playing in Richmond, Virginia... he introduces himself, Scott Hudson, and the returning Mark Madden... who now, apparently, is "one of the boys" and flagrantly abuses his role as a "Heel Commentator". Madden is like that guy you sometimes see at crime scenes who carries a nightclub and some mace... is all dressed like a Cop... speaks in "Cop-ese"... but is not a cop... he's a WANNABE.
-Madden so badly wants to be a "personality", it's sickening.
-Shannon Moore came to the ring to fight his partner, with the winner getting a Cruiserweight title shot. Madden calls one of the "HB2K"... which is really copyright infringement and CERTAINLY grounds for a lawsuit. It's like if he called Scott Hall, "Razor Raymond"... GOOD!!! GOOD!!!! I HOPE THE WWF PULLS SOME MORE CASH OUT OF YOUR BANK!!! YOU KEEP THIS FAT BUCKET OF CUMWAD ON AIR AND YOU DESERVE EVERY FINANCIAL HARDSHIP POSSIBLE!!! KEEP IT GOING!!!! LET THE HEEL COMMENTATOR WORK!!!
-oh, and while these two guys are wildly talented...how fair is it to compare one of them to one of the hardest working, charismatic, legends in the business?
-and why can't they be just 3 Count? Why must guys like Bob Ryder call them "WCW's version of the Hardy Boyz"? DOESN'T ANYONE REALIZE THAT THERE ARE NO "WWF VERSIONS" OF ANYTHING IN WCW???
-some people have problems when tag partners are booked against each other... I don't mind, personally. Screw it... they know each other, they won't hurt each other, and you know these moves are well practiced, so they'll look better...
-They get going with takedowns/pin attempts. The very first "BORING" chant could be heard.
-Shannon went for a Sunset Flip/Powerbomb on the ring floor, but lost his grip. He tried to save the move, but his partner held on, knowing how lame it'll look.
-If you're like me (KILL YOURSELF, NOW!!!), and woefully confused as to who is who... Shannon Moore is the one with the dopey baby face... Shane Whoever is the handsome one. Yet, Shannon is slightly more skilled.
-Top Rope powerslam by Moore.
-Moore tries for a Bridge pin... camera shows that the kid's shoulder was roughly 3 miles away from the mat... the ref still counted.
-Moore misses a Superkick... Helms goes for a top rope Corkscrew Plancha... kickout
-Madden calls him "HB2K" again. I hope... I PRAY... OH GOD, I PRAY, that SOMEONE backstage is screaming into Madden's headset, "WILL YOU SHUT THE F**K UP, YOU FAT RETARD!!!!!"
-Explain to me... go ahead and explain to me the difference between calling this kid "HB2K" and calling... oh, let's say Crowbar, "Man2kind"... go ahead... EXPLAIN!!!
-Moore does this move... called the "Vert-A-Breaker"... one of the coolest things I've ever seen. I couldn't even describe it... well, yeah, I can... but I'm NOT GONNA!!!
-whatever it was... it gave him the match and the pin... the other way around, too.
-After the match, partner helped up partner... because wrestling is a game of sportsmanship... proper conduct... MUTUAL RESPECT! Two COMPETITORS... putting 100% into each other for the love of the GAME... not the pain of their FOES... this is the BOND WHICH CONNECTS ALL SPORTS ENTERTAINERS!!! THIS IS WHAT MAKES THEM... BROTHERS!!!
-Chavo Jr ran out and attacked them both... (well, he's Mexican, so certain rules don't apply). Chavo's been mired in a ridiculous gimmick for months, but suddenly he is a feared Cruiserweight force.
-Backstage, Hugh Morrus starts yelling at Lash Larioux about supporting Chavo's cause. Hugh's leadership is slowly CRUMBLING... how long before he starts calling himself "Little Miss Rebel"?
-*sigh*... SO damn few of you even got that... which is a GOOD thing, I suppose.
-commercials
-Scott Steiner comes out with his Bimbo... who really is sort of ugly. She's not butt ugly, but she isn't ultra hot.
-She's a Holy Six-Pack. It means you have to drink a six-pack that's been blessed by a Priest in order to bang her.
-THAT'S KIND OF A CHUNKY ASS FOR A FITNESS GIRL, ISN'T IT??
-Steiner get on the stick... and began to wrestle with the English language. The damn language refused to SELL!!!! (BASTARD!!! SHOW SOME PROFESSIONALISM, FOR CHRISSAKES!)
-Steiner runs down Ric Flair's reign as champion back in the day. Declaring that Flair was only an average champ, at best.
-Steiner said that Flair's CEO job is a lot tougher than he thought it would be... seeing how he can't get anyone to fight him for the strap.
-Steiner suggested that Flair try to get Diamond Dallas Page to get a sex change so he could get the BALLS to come out there and face him (even on the replay, they let it go... ).
-Madden said he knew a good surgeon. It's the same one who had to remove the Coal Miner's Glove that slipped out of my hand while I was FISTING HIS MOMMA!!!! I WENT MINING FOR BOOTY, MARK!!!!! IT'S THE FIRST TIME SINCE PROHIBITION THAT YOUR MOMMA GOT WET!!!! SHE LOVED IT MARK!!! SHE LOOOOOOOOOVED IT!!!!!
-Steiner told Flair to send Page back down to the "bush leagues", where all the other "jabronies and White trash" are. Um... the AWA? Because that's the only other place Page has ever worked for.
-Steiner, who has yet to fully complete a promo without screwing up AT LEAST twice, ragged on Page's "Self High Five" and "Bada Bing, Bada Boom, Bada bang"... (dude, it's like... JUST AS BAD as "holla, if you hear me")
-Tony was all like, "This is OUT OF LINE!!!!" Hudson was busy rifling through his papers "Page? Page?? Why the hell is he calling out Page??"
-Steiner dropped to his knees and BEGGED Flair to book Page as his next opponent... which, unless I am the ONLY thing you read... you know by now was a complete shoot and thoroughly unprofessional. God Bless this company.
-Flair came out... I bet he doesn't even MENTION Page's name... I bet this will sound like two completely different promos pasted together to seem like a conversation.
-Flair first congratulated Steiner on beating Sid last night. Then he said that his job basically is to make sure the WCW Franchise player stays on top of his game.
-He said that WCW's policy has ALWAYS been that whoever wore the belt WAS the man, and it's the CEO's job to make life "interesting" for the "man".
-Steiner responded that it seems more like the CEO was trying to screw him (Oh, he is such a baby!)... the guy just disregarded the script and F-ed with the company's game plan on live TV... WHO'S SCREWING WHO????
-Man, now I wish Vince DID buy the company... Steiner would get away with this stunt ONCE... and just ONCE!
-Flair says that the next PPV is called "Sin"... (because let's face it... "Soul'd Out" had SUCH a bad rep) and Flair's plan was to book Steiner in a 3 Way matches... with one of his opponents being whoevever wins a mini-round robin thing they'll have tonight.
-The OTHER opponent will be... well, Flair won't say, because he doesn't want Steiner running around kicking people's asses back there tonight (WHOOPS!!! SO MUCH FOR THAT PLAN!! That strategy ranks right up there with the time some U.S. General said, "We'll just go into the Jungles and chase out the Viet Cong... we'll be back home in 6 months, tops")
-In order to find out who his opponent is... Steiner'll have to watch the show. (Man, they'll do anything for a few rating points!)
-Flair also said that he haired a suprise "mystery partner" who is REALLY interested in messing with Scott.
-Steiner said that the last time Flair pissed him off, he put Arn Anderson in the Hospital... well, he just pissed him off again!
-He wrapped up by saying that if he doesn't find out who the mystery "partner" is... he'll find out where FLAIR is... (maybe he'll kill two birds with one stone and the mystery partner will be the BLACK SCORPION?!?!?!?!)
-Flair left, Steiner left, Page left his dressing room and went to the entrance area backstage to get into Steiner's face, we left for some...
-commercials
-Jimmy Hart... radio DJ challenge... his production has become increasingly more 80's WWFish... which is as outdated, as played out, as lame, and as PATHETIC AS HART IS!!! WHOEVER IN THE COMPANY IS DOING THIS IS A FU**ING ASSHOLE!!
-I am going to skip 3 segments as punishment for this... THREE. Not now, I will spread them out throughout the show. Three full segments will not be promoted or talked about. maybe it will be the main event? Maybe it will be something VERY important? Who knows? We will see.
-FIRE HART!!!!! SEND HIM TO THE INDEPENDANTS!!! STOP MAKING THE FANS HAVE TO SIT THROUGH THIS!! NOBODY WANTS TO SEE JIMMY FIGHT RADIO DJAYS... NOBODY WANTS TO SEE HART TALK ABOUT FIGHTING RADIO DJAYS!!!
-"Mean" Gene Okerlund talks to Lex Luger and Buff Bagwell. Primarily, they are there to officially become a tag team called, "Stuffed Package"... (I think... and if it isn't, IT DAMN WELL SHOULD BE!!!). They also ran down Goldberg some. Buff said that Goldberg misspelled his name when he sigfned a copy of his book, "Buff is spelled with TWO 'F's, you big GOOF!!"
-Steiner came out demanding that these two help him hunt down this mystery dude. Other than being a little out of breath, he didn't look any worse for wear... (ah, poor DDP... someone got BITCHSLAPPED)
-Meng came out with Kwee Wee and Paisley. Meng's afro has gone into "Look like a damn fool" mode.
-Terry Funk appeared on the NitroTron and challenged Meng to bring his "flat bare feet and his banana nose" out into the back for a REAL Hardcore match. Meng bounded out... bypassing the main entrance and going out through the side. (don't want to slip in Page's BLOOD!!!)
-Meng ran as if he knew EXACTLY where Funk was... even tough all we saw was Funk's face behind a cage fence... maybe Meng's afro hides ANTENNAS??? MAYBE HE'S FROM MARS!!!!
-and if he IS... well... no one should be too surprised.
-Meng found Funk and they had their match.
-They fought a little. Meng hit Funk with a trash can lid. Funk looked at him and said, "I don't give a damn, you've got a big, fat, nose, Meng!" Meng popped him on the noggin again.
-Close your eyes and listen to Meng groan.. "UHOHHH OHUHOOO... OOOHUUU"
-They fought back into the ring. Meng set up a table.
-Meng jumped off the table, but Funk rolled out of the way. Meng crashed.
-Since Meng doesn't get paid enough to sell to pre-cut lumber, he bounced right up and put Funk in a TONGON DEATH GRIP!!!!... but Crowbar ran out and hit him with something. Meng went down and Funk got the pin. Afterwards, Crowbar got on the mic and cut a promo about something... I highly doubt anyone cared.
-commercials. "Sin" is coming in January. Guess what sentence they put into the promo? Go on, take a wild guess... even Zimmerman stopped trying to convince us that Scaia is really a cool guy for a moment and took notice of it, go ahead... try to guess what fresh, original line they used to get over how IMPORTANT the next PPV is...
-Steiner found Jarrett and bitdched about whatever Flair's up to... Jarrett yelled, "Get off my damn BACK!!!" Steiner yelled back, "Relax, it's only warm yogurt!"
-Okerlund talked to Big Vito. No matter how hard they try, Vito isn't lighting the world on fire.
-Crowbar and Daffney find Mike Awesome. I'm sure what they said was very, very important.
-Greg and I have Crowbar set as a guest in a week or so... I think I'm going to ask him, "why the long face?"
-commercials
-Tony break the news that we will be without Nitro for the next two weeks. Two years ago, Bischoff would have had Tony give out a special hotline number for anyone feeling suicidal about not having a Nitro for two weeks.
-Lance Storm walked out with Major Gunns. He got on the stick and said, "If I can be serious, for a minute!" (hee hee hee hee) He said that this is a one of those... oh right, I am punishing them... so we are SKIPPING THIS!!! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET RID OF JIMMY HART'S STUPID ASS STORYLINE AND THIS WON'T HAPPEN!!!
-Storm fought Rey Mysterio, by the way. So, it's not like there was much doubt as to who won, anyway.
-commercials
-Mike Awesome came out... I thought they dumped this whole "70's" gimmick last night?
-F-Me, man... I LIKE Awesome... but I can't sit here in all good conscious and listen to him call himself the "Love Doctor"...
-Jeff Jarrett comes out... this is another one of those qualifying matches... the winner gets Storm... the winner THERE gets Streiner at "Sin". Got it? Good.
-Meanwhile, Schiavone announces that Jimmy Hart returns to Memphis to fight D-Jays... man, I will become a Muslim and pray to ALLAH HIMSELF if the WWF allows Jerry Lawler to SCREW WITH THIS MATCH AND PILEDRIVE HART'S HEAD SO HARD THAT HE HAS TO TAKE A SHIT IN ORDER TO EAT BREAKFAST!!!!! HOW DARE THIS HOMO TAKE HIS SILLY LITTLE RADIO CHALLENGE INTO THE KING'S BACKYARD!!!!
-They fought a little... spilling outside. Awesome is in control.
-back in the ring, Awesome tried for a Running Powerbomb, but Jarrett snuck out with some weight distribution. Awesome tried to run into him in the corner, Jarrett lifted his feet. Awesome hit the feet... stumbled... remembered that this was the spot where the ref was to go down, and SWIPPED his arm into the Ref's head. The Ref went down.
-Guitar shot sealed the deal.
-commercials
-Steiner bitched at Jarrett in the same spot where he bitched at him before.
-Glacier is coming back... and apparently, it's the same douchebag as before. Tony called him "the old block of ice"... which is pretty funny, actually... not to mention pretty accurate.
-Norman Smiley watched this promo, and was happy with it.
-Shane Douglas bored us, and Okerlund. He also showed that he hired Kronik to help take care of some MIAers.
-Goldberg got all... "Jewy" on the "Man Show". He was wearing a Yamaka... the propeller must have fallen off
-commercials
-Flair was backstage, on the phone... plans were afoot... plans that would result in Steiner's DOOM!!!!
-Mike Awesome was not pleased with laying down for Jarrett. One would think he had bigger concerns in mind... like the fact that his REPUTATION IS THAT HE DOES NOT HONOR CONTRACTS AND HE KEEPS GETTING STUCK WITH ONE WEAK-ASS GIMMICK AFTER ANOTHER!!!! If one was inclined to think about what's going through Mike Awesome's head... of course.
-Remember, no Nitro for the next two weeks. I don't care how good the show has gotten... I am JACKED FOR THIS!!!!!
-Alex Wright... Ernest Miller... BYE BYE!!!!
-and this doesn't even COUNT as punishment for Hart... this is more of a "no one reads the Nitro recap anyway, and if they did they damn sure aren't screaming about Alex Wright's career so why expend the time and energy" thing.
-commercials
-The Natural Born Thrillers have arrived in a Limo
-Steiner is busy beating up the Jung Dragons. Maybe they are re-enacting the whole Page thing, just for giggles?
-Flex Capacitor shows up, then turns to run away. Steiner catches him and gives him some. The funny thing is that in real life... it's the white guy who turns tail and hauls ass.
-The Thrillers come out. This is a big interview deal because I've gotten behind Sanders and deemed him as "over". (*I* RUN THIS COMPANY!!! DAMMIT!!)
-Sanders opens up with his deal where everyone except him is "trailer trash" (Come on, dude... try out something new, for once)
-Sanders talked up his group... younger, more jacked... better looking...
-The NTB's are HEROES to children... INSPIRATION to men... FANTASIES to women... (Madden asked Tony what his wife thinks of that? Tony, because he's my BOY, asked what Mark's MOTHER thought of that? Well, no he didn't... BUT HE SHOULD'VE!!!)
-Sanders ran down Page and Nash a little... accusing them of STEALING!!!
-Umm... does Sanders have a point at all? Is there some sort of MEANING here?
-Ah, well he tried to set up Jindrak and O'Hare for a title match with the Insiders at "Sin"... when...
-Flair comes out. Madden, "My God, Flair and Blackjack Mulligan are the number one contendererhe hehehehe haaa"... he cracked himself up... he is SO funny.
-There was no reason to reference Blackjack Mulligan, either. It's just Madden being the COMPLETE "MARK" FOR HIS OWN CHARACTER!!
-Douchebag... I hope a rat chews off his penis and balls one night.
-Flair announces that Richmond, Virginia is probably filled with a bunch of unsupported "little Flairs, little Lugers, little Tully's, Little Ole's, little Barry's, and little Other Fourth men who helped disgrace the legend before it finally died down forever"... No "Little Arn's" because... well... let's just say that when Arn told JJ Dillon that he "didn't have the tools", he wasn't necessarily talking JUST about his neck!
-Arn is as empty as a Scaia black book. Okay, there... you got it out of me. HAPPY NOW??
-Flair said that when the Horsemen came to Virginia, there would be lines of women 3'000 strong... (hell, 3'000... nowadays, WCW would KILL for that number.)
-Flair said that Sanders has no real purpose in that ring, since he can't make matches either.
-Flair announced that they'll have a huge battle Royal at "Thunder", and the winning team gets Nash and Page at "Sin".
-eh... that was it. Sort of time filling... almost as if one or two, or THREE selfish divas suddenly BAILED out on the company and they had to scramble for substitutes... or something. In WCW? One big, unified group? NAAAAH
-commercials
-Buff, Luger, Goldberg, Buddy Lee Parker... ONE OF THESE NAMES DOES NOT BELONG IN THIS GROUP!!!!
-commercials
-Lance Storm comes out again. With the chick.
-Storm again asked if he could be serious for a minute... (oh alright dude... ONCE a show is enough)
-He said that it's one down, and one to go... because while Jarrett is good... Jarrett is NOT from Calgary...
-Tony AND Hudson, "Where's that?"
-Storm, "Alberta, Canada" (HAW!!! FUNNY BASTARDS!!!)
-Madden, "You guys SUCK!!" No Mark, YOUR MOTHER SUCKS!!! SHE SUCKED ME DRY!!! DRY AS THE SAHARAN!!!!
-"You guys SUCK"... what wit... what quickness.
-They played the Canuck anthem for a few... then Jarrett's music played... nice shoit of Storms silently outraged face.
-The match got going. Within a few minutes, Jarrett wrapped Storm in the Figure Four. Storm reversed it and made Jarrett grab the ropes.
-They fight some more... Storm hit Jarrett with a nasty Superplex... among other things that ended with "ex"
-Storm with the MapleLeaf, Jarrett grabbed the ropes
-Storm tried to throw Jarrett across the ropes, Jarrett blocked it and hit the Stroke... Jarrett scored the pin. We haven't seen Jarrett win a match without his guitar since... since... Jesus, has he EVER won a match without his guitar??
-Steiner came out with a mic. He basically said that he was going to go back there and chase Flair down for some editorially challenged voilence... no one asked why Steiner would LEAVE the backstage just to say he was GOING backstage to find Flair.
-He went backstage... cutting a damn swath of PAIN AND INJURY as he did so (what the Hell am I on?)
-He found Flair's dressing room... smashed it a few times with his big iron pipe... then it dawned on him to check to see if the door was locked.
-It wasn't. He's a damn moron.
-Flair wasn't in there... Flair was down the hall... Steiner mouthed at him, then went after him.
-some clown in a straight jacket and mask ran out and attacked Steiner. WCW security got into it... the show ended.
Wow... this show sort of FLEW by. Usually, Nitro lasts forever... but this was a real breeze to recap.
So why did it take me so long? I had a nap. Sorry.
Let's give the week to Nitro! Screw it. They're gone for half a month. This is my thank you to TNT. THANK YOU, YA HILLBILLY REDNECKS!!!
Closer time
You want some Christmas cheer? You want some good will towards men? You want carols, and happiness and delightfully positive spirits that only happens once a year? You want all that?
Blow me!
This is going out to the losers, like me. The miserable wretches that this holiday is NOT built for. The ones who hate Christmas and all it stands for because it's depressing, sad, and reminds us of just how alone we really are in the world. I have no tree... no stockings... no fireplace... no family to celebrate with... no friends... nothing. I hate receiving gifts, I hate giving gifts, I hate ALL OF IT!!!
F-Christmas.
So, for my homies who are all sorts of depressed this time of year, this one's for you...
WHAT THEY SHOULD GET FOR X-MAS THIS YEAR!!!!
1) Vince McMahon: FAILURE FOR ONCE IN HIS LIFE!!!
2) Stephanie McMahon: LIPOSUCTION TO BREAK UP THAT THIGH CHEESE
3) Ric Flair: ALZHEIMERS!!! Oh, wait... he might have it already, seeing how he's acting like he is the CEO of 1997's WCW. THEN I WISH ALZHEIMERS ON THAT LUMP ON HIS BACK!!!!!
4) Jim Ross: A DEAD MOUSE IN ONE OF THOSE JARS OF BBQ SAUCE HE'S SO DAMNFIRE PROUD OF!!!! LET'S SEE HIM TALK HIS WAY OUT OF THAT LAWSUIT!!!
5) Mark Madden: RAPED BY INBRED HILLBILLIES!!!!
6) Scott Steiner: THE GUTS TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!!! HOMO!!! NO WONDER YOUR SO ANGRY ALL THE TIME!!
7) Scaia: LEUKEMIA!!!
8) CRZ: HALF OF MY WIT AND TALENT!!!
9) Scott Keith: DIPLOMATIC SKILLS!!!
10) A Delphi poster: A FRIGGIN' CLUE!!!
11) Herb Kunz: A BETTER LAST NAME SO PEOPLE WON'T LAUGH AT THE ONE YOU HAVE NOW!!!
12) Steve Austin: INVISIBLE KNEE BRACES SO YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU'RE HUMPTY DUMPTY AFTER THE FALL!!!!
13) Bob Ryder: AN UNLISTED PHONE NUMBER AND A WEB FILLED WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T RIP ME OFF
14) Scott Hall: A MULTI-YEAR MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT WITH ONE OF THE BIG TWO!!! SCREW IT... LET HIM DRINK HIMSELF SILLY... IT'S FUN TO READ ABOUT WHAT HE DOES!!!
15) Goldberg: ROSARY BEADS!!!! JUST TO PISS HIM OFF!!
16) Zach Arnold: DENTAL FLOSS SO HE CAN GET KINKY AND BLINDFOLD HIS ORIENTAL BOYFRIEND!!!
17) My Girlfriend: A TIME MACHINE SO SHE CAN GO BACK FIVE DAYS AND GET ME SOMETHING BETTER THAN THIS CHEAP ASS WATCH!!!! YOU BITCH!!! I STILL HAVE ROTTEN HADDOCK BREATH AND THIS IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO????
18) My Mother: A CHANCE TO COME BACK TO LIFE AND APOLOGIZE TO ME FOR EVERYTHING THAT'S GONE WRONG WITH MY LIFE!!!
19) My Father: PARALYSIS FROM THE NECK DOWN!!!! YOU SCREWED MY LIFE UP, YOU C-SUCKER!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE ABORTED ME!!!
20) You: THE SENSE TO KNOW ENOUGH NOT TO TAKE ANYTHING TOO SERIOUSLY!!! I HAD NO CLUE JUST HOW BAD SOME OF YOU ARE!!
21) Me: PORN STARS!!! FEMALE PORN STARS!!! MONEY!!! LOVE!! RESPECT!!! A CHANCE TO START OVER FROM SCRATCH!!! A CHANCE TO RE-LIVE MY LIFE AND CORRECT THE TRAUMATIC ERRORS!!! A CHANCE TO PAY BACK EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF CRAP THAT HAS EVER DONE ILL TO ME!! A CHANCE TO PAY BACK EVERY SINGLE WELL-PAVED SLUT WHO TURNED HER NOSE DOWN AT ME!!!! A QUICK DEATH!!! A HEART ATTACK RIGHT NOW!!! SOMETHING, ANYTHING TO MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY!!!! I SUCK, I BLOW... KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME NOW!!!!!NOWNOWNOWNOWNOW
*gasp... gasp...*
well, that was... liberating.
I'm gone. NO Christmas wishes. Nope... not a one. This is the anti-Christmas column.
Well.. maybe one wish... I DO feel better now, all the rage has been vented. I feel damnright cheerful.
But... gaaah... I can't... it's so...
oh the Hell with it...
I would like to wish a Merry Christmas, a positive New Year, and a long, happy period of inner peace and creative satisfaction...
...to Sean Shannon
Now pick those jaws off of your keyboards
This is Hyatte.
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